Since the beginning of the year, I have not been doing so well.
I started January strong! I was exercising regularly, spending time in the word, and uploading to YouTube consistently. But then my body slowly started to shut down. When I went running, I had a lot of trouble getting enough oxygen. I felt like my body could still keep going but my lungs had given out. I was tired all the time and by the end of February, I was sleeping 12 hours a day.
When my body shut down, my mind shut down too. I was no longer motivated to do anything. I struggled finding work-life balance while sleeping through an extra 4 hours every day. Spending time with God just felt like it was taking away form the limited time I had to study and by the time I got my mid-semester grades back, it showed that even that time wasn't enough.
A few weeks later, I finally went to the doctor. At first, I just thought I was being lazy but after a month of extreme fatigue I began to suspect something was seriously wrong. Turns out I was right.
I've always had anemia, (especially since puberty left me with an overly enthusiastic uterus) but sometime in the past few months my iron levels had absolutely plummeted. My doctor scheduled me for an iron transfusion and put me on medication to prevent further blood loss.
After getting treatment, my body did not just bounce back. I had a bad reaction to the transfusion and was sick with fevers and chills for several weeks. It's now been four months since then and I am just NOW getting down to a normal sleep schedule. But unfortunately, real life doesn't stop when you get sick.
In another life, I might have pressed pause on school when I realized how sick I was but with the pandemic still going on, taking leave from school would mean trapping myself almost 10,000 miles away from home indefinitely.
If you do not know, I am currently in my second year of medical school in the UQ-Ochsner Clinical School. It's a pretty unique M.D. program that allows you to do your first two years of medical school in Brisbane, Australia and the second two in New Orleans.
Due to COVID-19, Australia has very strict travel restrictions and I have not be able to go home, visit my family, or have them come visit me since I started medical school.
Fortunately, I'm already a quarter of the way through medical school, but taking sick-leave would mean signing up for ANOTHER year away from my family and friends. Something I had never intended to do in the first place!
So I stuck it out and took my exams. I studied hard, knowing I had to make up for the mid-semester exam I bombed during the peak of my illness. I did thousands of Anki cards, practice questions, and lived off of grocery store lasagna for almost a month! A few weeks later, I got my grades.
I failed this semester by LESS THAN ONE percentage point!!
My heart was broken. I waited a few days to finally break the news to my parents and buckled down to take the supplementary exam in 10 days time. The supplementary exam contains all of the content from the semester. If you pass, you can move on but if you don't, you have officially failed the semester and need to repeat it. But this is the most jam-packed semester I have ever had!
In the past few months we had covered dermatology, ophthalmology, hematology, endocrinology, psychology, and reproductive health. And now I had 10 days to remember enough detail about all of theme topics to pass an exam on any and all of them.
Fast forward to today, it's now been exactly one week since I pulled my second all-nighter ever in the UQ Biological Sciences library and walked over to building 69 at 8am to take the supplementary exam. It's been 7 days of not knowing where I stand academically. Of not knowing if I will finally see my parents and siblings for the first time in two years. Of not knowing if I will even be in the same country, when my best friend gets married next year.
I should be riddled with fear and anxiety right now and while I will admit to being a bit anxious, God has been reminding me to have faith.
God brought to my memory one of my dad's favorite stories to tell about me. How when I was little, maybe around four years old, I would bust into his bedroom every morning and proudly announce, "The sun came up again, Daddy!" My dad describes the absolute joy and amazement on my face that this fantastic phenomenon would occur again and again, every single day.
God has been reminding me, both metaphorically and literally the same way that He has lead the sun to rise before, He will do it again.
Currently, I am staring at the horizon. Awaiting the moment where light peaks over the earths edge and breaks the shadow of dawn. I've taken a step back from social media over the past 60 days to press into what this season has required of me and now all I can do is wait.
This morning I was reading Mark 8, and it inspired me to write this post.
The 12 disciples are sitting on a boat wondering how they are going to all share one measly loaf of bread. Jesus responds to them in a way I can only imagine as flabbergasted and quite frustrated. Just DAYS before this, the disciples had watched Jesus feed 5,000 men and their families with 5 loaves and 2 fish. And then days after that, He had done it AGAIN with 4,000 men. Yet now, the disciples did not believe Jesus would be able to manage to feeding the dozen of them.
Just like the disciples, I have seen God perform miracles in my life. My whole journey getting into medical school and surviving this long has been a giant testimony. Yet now, here I am again, wondering if God can pull me through, as if He hasn't done it before so many times.
The questions really shouldn't be if He can. The question is, will He?
And if He doesn't, will I trust God's plan even when it destroys my own plans?
Or will I be like Peter, a few verses later in Mark 8 and believe my way is better than God's way?
I'm still watching the skyline, but I've decided to make a declaration of radical, child-like faith now. I believe in my heart that the the sun is coming up again! I will trust in whatever the light brings, no matter what the outcome is.
And in the morning, I will bask in the miracles God is doing and continues to do in every single season, every single day, again and again.
Amen.
3 days later:
"Count it all joy, my brothers, when you meet trials of various kinds, for you know that the testing of your faith produces steadfastness. And let steadfastness have its full effect, that you may be perfect and complete, lacking in nothing.
If any of you lacks wisdom, let him ask God, who gives generously to all without reproach, and it will be given him."
James 1:2-5
Comments